The future and I are fighting. But don’t worry, it’s just seventh-grade, not-talking-to-each-other-because-we-like-the-same-boy fighting, not I’ll-meet-you-in-the-alleyway-with-a-crowbar type fighting. Still, though.
Honestly, all I want is to know what I’ll be doing in a month’s time. Will I have a job? Will I be involved in the choir I’m auditioning for? Will we be able to start saving up for things we need? Will we be able to cover all our expenses with our new income level?
I put in my notice at work, and my last day is the 18th. I’m doing this entirely on faith. I’m not sure if I’ll get the internship I’m applying for; I can’t promise that I’ll be singing as much as I thought; I don’t even know what I’ll do with my time if I don’t get those things. All I know is that we prayed about it and I’m supposed to quit my job right now. So I’m pretty much going into this blind.
This has happened once before, and while we endured 8 months of struggling, we ended up where we are now. We were both able to finish school, which didn’t look likely at one point. Travis was able to get the stable job he has now. We were able to move into this fantastic apartment that we love.
So I’ve seen what comes out of situations like this…in hindsight. But hindsight doesn’t help much for something you haven’t done yet—or when every other question is “what if?”
There’s the best case scenario: I get the editing internship which turns into a job; we make tons of money and squirrel it away for important purchases later; I travel the world singing in a fantastic choir; and we live happily ever after.
And, of course, the worst case: They don’t even call me for an interview; Brady Allred tells me that my voice sounds like a broken garbage disposal; we try to scrape by on a smaller income than we’re used to while I plunge into a listless depression.
And myriad combinations of those two things, thrown together with all the other random variables the future holds. Maybe all this is moot and I get pregnant next month, which wouldn’t change everything, but certainly a lot. Maybe these things happen so something truly important can happen later; or they don’t happen so something important can happen later.
See? This is why the future and I aren’t speaking. It won’t tell me what’s going on, and I really don’t like being in the dark.
But I’ve relied on faith before and God brought me here, to a place where I’m truly happy, surrounded by people I love. It’s the least I can do to trust Him again (and again and again); it’s not like He’s ever led me astray before. And faith means knowing that He never will.